The Battle Rages On

I've talked about "Stephanie," the eating disorder voice that likes to whisper horrible things in my ear. She's calmed down quite a bit, but still lingers, popping up from time to time to try and lure me back in with promises she cannot possibly keep.

While Stephanie isn't as strong as she once was, she's a tenacious character and tries to make it  harder for me to resist my disordered ways by bringing in her sidekick, "Al." Al is - that's right - alcohol. And what Al does is alter my mental state enough so that I can forget about the bad day I had. Or the bills that came in the mail. The deep disappointment I feel over the job I took six months ago...that's is not at all what I thought it would be. He even helps me forget about the painful, empty hole in my heart that still needs to be filled with love. It all goes away, if only for a few moments.

The problem with Al is that while he helps me forget my problems, fears and pain for a brief time, they all come flooding back when the sun rises. Then, I'm off to my disappointing job, worried about finances and needing to fill the hole in my heart all over again. It's a cycle of feeling, numbing, feeling and numbing. It's what I did when I was starving myself - trying to control the uncontrollable and cover up holes that need so much more than just a band-aid.

I can hear Stephanie laughing quietly in the corner as this all goes on.

This morning, I awoke to a dreadfully dark and rainy day. Thunder boomed in the distance and lightening shimmered across the grey sky. My head, after a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc the night before, felt as grey and murky as the weather. I realized, in that moment, I had a choice to make: I could keep doing what I'm doing (which obviously isn't serving me well) or tell both Stephanie and Al that they needed to go. So, I chose the latter. I actually laid in my bed and proceeded to have a conversation with both of them. I told them where to go and exactly how to do it.

Stephanie and Al have been packed in a box that's tightly sealed up and on its way to Abu Dhabi with no return address. Let's hope they stay there for a good long time.

Much love,
Bethany